Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
They should really pass out barf bags in church
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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