Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
