so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
