We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
