the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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