Where is the hickey?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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