there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
