you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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