Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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