apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
