i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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