I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's official drugs can't kill me
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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