I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
