Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
