Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
