im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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