So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
