Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
