so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
