Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
