Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
