i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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