3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
