Don't make out with my wife yet
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
