I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
