Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
