He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
