WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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