I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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