now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
