it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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