1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
