what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
