I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
