I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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