My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
