my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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