There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
