just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
