I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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