My cat gives me a boner
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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