I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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