Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
