I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
