Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
