We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
