This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
