There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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