Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My vagina just recognized that song.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
