True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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